"Sorry" Doesn't Fix The Mess

My three-year-old continues to be my best teacher. Yesterday he knocked some stuff off the counter. When we called him on it, he apologized immediately. But I said to him, “Thank you for your apology, but it doesn’t fix this mess. Clean it up.” And that’s when it hit me – this is EXACTLY what I do with God! I screw up, God forgives me, then I move on. But too often I don’t stop to see clearly what mess I may have created and take steps to clean it up. I miss the fact that being forgiven merely enables me to clean up my mess, but doesn’t clean it up on its own. This is a basic reality. In fact, this truth is something A.A. gets quite well. Step 9 of the 12 steps reads: “[We] made direct amends to such people (persons harmed) wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

My messes are rarely physical in nature at this age, but it’s much more difficult to clean up spiritual and emotional messes, isn’t it? A physical mess I can usually take care of myself, but “cleaning up” in the invisible realm usually means admitting I’m wrong and asking someone else for forgiveness or other assistance. It means putting me at risk of being rejected. But it needs to be done, otherwise I find myself facing a years-old mess, which has hardened and festered and is really ugly and pernicious. It’s much harder to begin the cleanup effort when things have reached this stage.

I also find it’s much more difficult to make internal amends than it is to make amends to others. When I’m the one doing the hurting and receiving the injury, I usually need some third-party intervention in order to gain enough perspective to be able to forgive myself and move on. But if the hurt is allowed to continue unhealed, it has dramatic, destructive effects long-term.

What mess do you have to clean up? If something comes to mind, don’t delay, but take a concrete step toward that healing today.

Things I Say To My Children That God Is Really Trying To Say To Me

• Take a deep breath.
• Clean up your mess.
• Can you ask nicely?
• What a bummer.
• Look at me.
• I know you don't like the taste of this, but it's for your own good.
• I got you.
• You're safe.
• You can do it.
• Keep trying.
• We make rules because we love you and want you to be safe.
• Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do.
• Keep your pants on, you're not gettng naked. (OK, not this one so much - just seeing if you're paying attention!)
• Hang on with me.
• Take a bite. You'll like it.
• Give me a kiss and a hug.
• That's too bad, there isn't a choice.
• Be gentle.
• No hitting.
• It's not time to play, it's time to ______ (work, eat, sleep, etc.)
• Excellent job, buddy!
• What a sweet baby.
• Shhh.
• I love you.

God's Will?

I just found this study on the Internet...be careful when citing God's will as your reason for doing anything...it turns out that's a pretty malleable concept...

Creating God In One’s Own Image For many religious people, the popular question “What would Jesus do?” is essentially the same as “What would I do?” Through a combination of surveys, psychological manipulation and brain-scanning, researchers found that when religious Americans try to infer the will of God they mainly draw on their own personal beliefs. They use their own beliefs as a starting point, which colors their final conclusions about what God wants.
Researchers even manipulated people to change their views on God by getting them to read a speech that either supported or went against their (and God’s) stated position. The task shifted people’s attitudes towards the position in their speech, either strengthening or moderating their original views, and altering their estimation about what God’s attitude was.
People may use religious agents as a moral compass, forming impressions and making decisions based on what they presume God as the ultimate moral authority would believe or want. The central feature of a compass, however, is that it points north no matter what direction a person is facing. This research suggests that, unlike an actual compass, inferences about God’s beliefs may instead point people further in whatever direction they are already facing. If the first link is too academic, here’s another link to an article about the research.

Headwinds and Tailwinds

I ran outside last week. I run a course that’s 1.5 miles long. I simply run out and back for 3 miles total. On my way out, there didn’t seem to be any wind. It was just a calm morning. But when I got to the halfway mark and turned around, a stiff autumn wind blasted me in the face. The wind was there all along, but I didn’t notice it when it was at my back. It reminded me that the wind is always blowing, but we’re not always aware of it. More specifically, we’re not usually aware of the tailwinds--of the ways in which we are being supported and helped along in life. And when we’re met with headwinds, it’s tempting to buy into the lie that God is no longer present in those moments; that we’re all alone. But the truth is, He remains there, empowering us to run in the face of unreasonable obstacles. Take your steps of faith today, whatever that looks like for you. Be courageous. Defy your headwinds and keep running.

Essential Connections - Source

I went to trim my sideburns the other day and when I turned on the trimmer, it didn’t turn on. I opened the battery compartment and jiggled the batteries, then replaced the cover and it worked great. The batteries had power, but without the connection to the trimmer, it couldn’t move. It reminded me that when we lose touch with our Source, we lose power. I call my Source “God”. God created us, and “in him we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28). In other words, without God, we literally wouldn’t exist in the first place. We have no power to draw a breath or utter a word apart from the grace of God. It’s a humbling reality, but also quite profound. This also means that God is intimately invested in each one of us, knows us perfectly, and has the ability to give us precisely what we need in order to step in to the full life He promises.
In our culture, it’s so easy to run our own race apart from God. But without consciously connecting back with the One who made us, we tire out so quickly. So I try to take some time each day to connect with God consciously, through prayer, meditation, walks outside, or just by enjoying my connections with those around me. When was the last time you stopped and really connected with your Source (regardless of how you name it)? Wouldn’t now be a good time to do that?

Self Absorption

I busted myself last week trying desperately to gain a sense of peace by managing my external circumstances instead of managing my internal state. As long as everything was perfectly calm around me, I gave myself permission to be at peace. But as soon as anything went contrary to how I had envisioned it, I allowed it to disturb me.
Once I realized what I was doing, I also realized how silly it was to try to gain peace of mind this way. This approach puts us at the mercy of our circumstances. It is like focusing on the surface of the water and trying to keep it still in order to catch a reflection of the sky. All the while, we can simply raise our eyes heavenward and see the sky directly. There's no need for the surface of the water to be still as a prerequisite.
God doesn't promise a life with no tension or storms, but rather an Eternal Presence in the midst of those difficulties. Just lift your gaze beyond yourself and you will be amazed at the peace and clarity God will provide even in the midst of incredible difficulties.

Sufjan Stevens

I just created a Sufjan Stevens station on www.pandora.com . Just sitting here listening to his music and the likes of Iron & Wine (another perennial favorite), I felt compelled to sing his praises a bit. What is it about his music that elicits such deep, consistent feelings of peace and well being in me? It's nuts. It's a very consistent experience for me. It's an amazing experience, not like listening to music at all. It's actually a whole lot more like worship than anything. My soul nods to the Creator of the Universe, thanks Him for being there and for creating me, and relaxes its grip on the things slipping through its fingers for a moment. When I listen to Sufjan, it's as if all is well in the world. All is rightly ordered, God is in control, and I am safe. And this despite any of the crap I am dealing with in my current life situation.

I am just amazed at people who are so musically talented that they have the ability to draw out this unspoken message from inside other people. I wonder if it's an intentional thing, or merely a side effect of someone in his or her bliss, expressing the deep reality of who they are that speaks to others in such a powerful way? Either way, I don't care. I'll take it as a free gift of this amazing, puzzling, and sometimes maddening life we have here. Thank you, Lord, for Sufjan Stevens.

The Dirty Windshield

I was driving to work the other day and there was a lot of road grime being kicked up from the other cars on the road onto my windshield. It quickly formed a film that made it difficult to see and navigate safely. When I tried to wash the windshield, I found my washers were frozen and weren't able to spray any washer fluid on the windshield. So instead of helping the situation, my attempts at cleaning the windshield actually made it worse.

This reminded me of my prayer life at times. The stressors and difficulties of life sometimes collect on me and make it difficult to see accurately and make prudent and productive decisions. I don't see what's beyond the current situation, but begin to believe that what I'm seeing is actually "reality", not a skewed, impaired view. Prayer is like the washer. When we pray, we're able to reconnect with Reality and allow God to wash us clean of all the leftover emotions and mental and physical effects of stress.

But sometimes, I am not in a place where I can actually connect with God. Trying to pray at times like this is like trying to wash my windshield with frozen washers: I don't actually gain in God's perspective, and sometimes make things worse by coming up with my own solutions to my problems or issues. The best prayer I can say at these times is a prayer to help me stop trying to fix the situation and allow God to work through it in His time and His way. This requires patience and faith, two things which don't come naturally. But often, once I give up trying to fix myself, I find my perspective is expanded (my washers are unfrozen), and God shows up in an unexpected and refreshing way.

Hard Questions

I learned of a tragedy last week that had the potential to shake my faith. A friend of a friend who had been struggling in many areas of life committed suicide by cop a couple of weeks ago. This was disturbing on many levels, since this man was a Christ follower and had prayed with my friend just days before for God's help in his situation. It brought up all kinds of questions for me about just who God is and a lot of "why" questions. If God is in control, how can evil be allowed in this world? Why does crap like this happen? Why do good people die? Where is God's justice in this world? Where is his Spirit, his presence? Where was God when this guy was losing his mind and his life?

These are tricky questions and ones without concrete answers. It's some solace to me that they've been asked of God since biblical times - many Psalms and the book of Job pose these same queries to God. And though I haven't received many solid answers since this happened, I did have a very helpful experience last Monday. I had a short coaching session with an acquaintance in which I was the client. I brought up these tough issues. Turns out, she had been trained as a pastor (coincidence?), and was quite skilled at listening to me "pour out my lament" without judging or trying to provide answers. I learned quite a bit in that session, including:

• God does not prevent us from feeling pain as his followers. What he does is infuse the pain with the possibility of his presence.
• We are called to rely on God, not on pat answers or formulas, or on how God has shown up in past situations. There is a part of me that would much rather create an answer sheet based on what I've seen and experienced from God in the past and disengage from living life with God. That is obviously contrary to the life we are called to - a full, eternal life that begins now as we walk with God every day and allow him to stretch and reform us in his image.
• Relying on the gifts God brings into our lives vs. God is also futile. This one is quite tricky, since human nature is always searching for a substitute for God. What better to fill the role than the gifts he provides? Of course, all things that are visible are temporary. Any time we're misaligned and worshiping God's creations, the rug will surely be pulled out from under us.
• In spite of my not knowing, God still acts. I don't have to have all the answers. It's not all up to me. I am a part of God's story, not the other way around.
• All efforts to construct limits for God will be blown apart. I always thought my image of God was always being challenged and broken apart so that a larger image of God could be created. The problem is, any image we create of God in our minds and hearts is inadequate. God is alive and wild. He cannot be caged, boxed in, or understood completely. We must relate to God as a Person, because he is. We're actually called to a relationship.

Even as I type, I know I will need to be continually reminded of these realities, which is part of the reason I'm blogging about them. These aren't the kinds of paradigm shifts one makes in a day or a week. I have gained a lot from asking these questions and realizing that God is here with us in our darkness and pain, even when we can't sense him and when all evidence around us is contrary to that truth. That's where faith comes in - believing something that flies in the face of worldly evidence.

Power vs. Control

I recently figured something out that has sweeping implications for me. I realized that there is a big difference between "power" and "control". Power is defined as the ability to act or accomplish something. Control, on the other hand, is focused around dominating or exercising restraint or command over something.

As human beings, we are imbued with an incredible amount of power. We have power beyond our understanding and imagination. The vast majority of our power is never tapped consciously. Instead, we often end up as victims of our own subconscious as it feeds back to us unconscious beliefs, fears, and hangups that we have fed it all our lives. One of the keys to fulfillment is to look into these dark areas and bring the lies and limitations that usually remain hidden to light.

By contrast, we have control over very little in our lives. We cannot control the economic or family situation we are born into, or the wounds and limitations of our families. We cannot control the weather or what obstacles we may encounter each day. We can only control our attitudes and responses to what life throws at us. And since most of us don't understand how to do this in a conscious way, we don't even take control over the precious little that we have domain over in our lives.

Why is this distinction so important? I have often gotten the two confused, to my detriment. I have a pattern of getting really excited about something new in my life and attempting to seize control of it until I choke all the life and fun out of it, then disengaging completely, moving on to a new area of focus. This usually happens in areas in which I have a natural talent. I get excited about how much power I can bring to a challenge, and I want to control all aspects of the area - how, when, and how often I get to express my power. But since I don't have domain over that, I end up being frustrated that things aren't happening just as I'd have them happen, and I often give up.

Coaching was like this for me. I got so excited last year when I learned about coaching and how natural it was for me. I knew down deep that I had discovered a key vocational expression for myself. After I earned my certification, I thought clients would simply pour in to my practice without my having to lift a finger. This didn't happen, of course. When it didn't happen like I wanted it to, I stopped all my efforts to learn and express the craft of coaching and my coaching "muscles" fell into atrophy. It wasn't until November that I realized I had fallen into this pattern and got engaged again in the pursuit of coaching mastery.

I think this distinction is especially crucial for Christians. As followers of Christ, we hear so often that we are to surrender to God and to God's will for our lives. But too often, I think we stop exercising the most precious gift in the world - that of the human will. The power of the human will cannot be overestimated. Just witness the people who, through sheer human determination (will) accomplish amazing feats, even without a conscious understanding of who God is or a conscious relationship with Him (I say "conscious relationship" because we all have a relationship to God, but sometimes we don't acknowledge it). But God's will for us is to have a full, vibrant, dynamic life. In order to have this life he wants for us, we need to exercise our will. We need to figure out what it is we really want and go for it. We need to dream, take chances, strive, and fail. We need to come to the end of ourselves so we can recognize our abject need for His strength. To me, a big part of surrender is surrendering my right to be lazy, to give up easily in the face of obstacles. If we can do all things through Him who strengthens us, we have no excuse to be defeated by this world's challenges. We just have to rely on God to supply the strength that we cannot muster in crucial moments.

The Patchwork Quilt

Well, after a very busy July, I'm back on the blogging circuit. I'm looking forward to a return to normalcy, along with some of my normal rhythms and habits.

A friend of mine spoke of life recently as a patchwork quilt. Apparently, when you are quilting, you can't go back and undo an earlier patch in the quilt without tearing apart the whole thing. She said she looks back on life in much the same way - many times, we have episodes ("patches") in our lives that are painful or that seem to have no purpose at the time. However, when we look back on the whole of our lives, they wouldn't be what they are - we wouldn't be what we are - without those patches. And we can't remove them; they are as much an integral part of the whole picture as the joyful and pleasurable parts of life.

This resonated with me so deeply since I tend to want to minimize or ignore those ugly patches in my life. But when I sit and survey my life, it's clear to me that I learned more about myself, about the loved ones in my life, and about God in those painful episodes that I ever have basking in His light. I honestly wish it wasn't this way, but it seems God uses those times when we are most challenged to do His greatest work.

What patches are there in your life that you tend to ignore or minimize? How did God use those patches to teach you about Him and about yourself? If you are in a tough patch now, can you open yourself to the possibility of learning and growing at this time?

Redwoods

My chiropractor just got back from Northern California, where she visited the redwoods. She was blown away by how massive they are. They grow up to 360 feet, or about as high as a thirty-story building. She said the canopy blocks out the sunlight when you're in the forest so you forget that it's a sunny day until you walk out from underneath it.

But what was most amazing to me is what she shared about the root systems of these giant trees. A redwood's roots only grow eight feet underground. It seems a root system that is that shallow would not be able to support the massive weight of a giant tree such as a redwood. But what is unique is that the roots grow outward, spreading for acres and intertwining with the other redwoods in the forest. It is this combined strength that gives them the support needed to weather storms they would be unable to survive alone. The parallel to humans is obvious: we are also able to withstand so much more if our roots are intertwined with others.

In fact, this anecdote reminds me of the human system model that Dallas Willard proposes is his brilliant work, "Renovation of the Heart". In it, he includes the social aspect of ourselves as part of the model. That is, our relationships with others is actually a part of who we are. As he puts it, "The natural condition of life for human beings is one of reciprocal rootedness in others." I in you and you in me, abiding with one another through thick and thin. It is not possible to go through this world alone, though it is possible to live under the illusion of aloneness. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of those that we share roots with, and of the need for these connections.

This need for relationship points us back to the relationship of the Trinity, reminding us that even within the Godhead, there is relationship. Relationship is a universal state, one that predated even the creation of the world. The fact that we are drawn to participate in relationships as a matter of living life fully points us back to this reality. It's another beautiful example of how this universe is fashioned to constantly mirror and reveal God. Humbling, ain't it?

Today Is A Beginning

Each day is also a beginning. This morning is a starting point. Endless opportunities expand before us. You know, it doesn't matter how deep we feel we're going in life or how enlightened we become. We're actually just scratching the surface. How can you tell if you're just scratching the surface of life? Take a moment and check to see if you're still alive. If so, then you've only just begun. Yes, I mean even if you're 85, retired with great-grandkids. You're alive for a reason. God still has more for you in mind - more to experience, be, become, express, drink in, and give to others. What beginnings do you have in front of you? How are you being renewed today in your mind, your body, and your heart? What seeds would you like to sow today?

A wise friend recently told me that we don't have to worry about changing the world. Simply by being alive we change the world a little each day. The question is not, "Do I want to change the world?", but rather, "How am I changing the world?". Are you making the world a more peaceful, loving place or bringing more hatred and pain by your presence? Are you healing yourself and others or wounding? Are you expressing your true self or stifling it?

In and Out

Language is so interesting. What we call "expressions" do just that - they express deeper or underlying truths about how we understand or relate to reality. Think about the way we use the word "out" in various expressions. We work things out, act out, give out (good or bad vibes), make out, hug it out, bring things out (into the open), we go out, figure it out, people are regularly "outed". These expressions usually relate to the release or revelation of a secret or energy, or of resolution of a dissonance.

Of course, the opposite word, "in", has just as many related expressions. We are hemmed in, boxed in, shut in, the walls close in, our guts are sucked in. These expressions usually relate to invisible things - thoughts, feelings, fears, emotions, judgements, motivations. The underlying idea here is that there is something "in" that is begging to come "out". Something hidden that is revealed. I think we try to hide things from ourselves, and from God. But whether consciously or unconsciously, fun or painful, all things come out, all things are revealed.

Jesus even talked about this in Mark 4:22, "For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open." So often this world reflects truths into our lives on a small scale that are true on a large scale. I believe that's how God constructed our world - to be a reflection of and point back to Himself. So if that's true, it's quite a realization-that there's no such thing as a secret, and we can only deceive ourselves for a short period of time before the truth comes "out".

What secrets are you keeping from others in your life (not just "bad" things, but what glorious things are you keeping in)? What secrets are you keeping from yourself? What things are you keeping in that are dying to get out? What would you be risking by letting them out?

A Metaphor For Personal Growth

Last October, I was in the Bahamas with some friends of mine for a conference called "Soularize", which is characterized as a "learning party". Richard Rohr, Brennan Manning, and NT Wright were also there. Those names may or may not mean anything to you, but suffice it to say it was cool. We had a blast, of course.

On one of our last days there, I was sitting on our hotel room's balcony, looking out at the ocean. On the horizon I could see the lights of a cruise ship. It was apparently anchored, since it didn't appear to be moving. I turned my attention to the palm trees being blown by the wind and the surf. When I looked up a few minutes later, the ship was in a different place on the horizon. Yet if I stared at it, I couldn't see any movement at all.

I think growth is like that. If we constantly examine and measure ourselves, we're going to see very little movement from moment to moment, day to day. We'll appear as that ship - like we're not moving. But if we just turn our attention to doing what we can each day, and take note of where we happen to be on a regular basis, we'll look back and be amazed at the level of growth and transformation that has occurred in our lives. Asian cultures refer to this concept as "chopping wood and carrying water" - doing what we need in each moment and not concerning ourselves with "things too wonderful" for us.

The way I take note is just to write down on a regular basis (not daily, but several times per week) what I'm going through, the questions I'm living in, and what I feel God is showing me about life, about me, and about Him. I've been journaling in this way for nearly eight years, and it's easily the most powerful personal growth tool I have.

Like that ship, we're always moving. We're either moving toward God and toward our true selves, or we're moving away from God and ourselves. Which way are you moving in the various aspects of your life? How do you know?

Open Arms Prayer

I realized recently that it's not possible to give someone anything if their hands are clenched tightly around what they already have. I could be holding a pile of crap, and God could be trying to give me something beyond my wildest dreams, but unless I let go and allow Him to remove that thing I'm holding onto, I won't receive it in my life.

So I wrote down this Open Arms prayer. I have gone back to it several times since I first wrote it, so I thought I would share it here. I hope it finds you well and serves you as it has me. Peace.

Open Arms Prayer

Dear Lord, I open my hands and my arms to you.
I allow you to remove things from my grasp that do not serve you.
I surrender control to you, and pray that you will fill my arms with exactly what's needed to bring me closer to you; be they trials or triumphs, joy or pain.
I accept all that is in my life today as a gift so that I may know you, know that I am in you and that you are in me, and become the person you are calling me to be today.
Amen. Alleluia!