All Cylinders vs. Fifth Gear

I often use the term “hitting on all cylinders” to describe my ideal state of energy output. By this I mean I want to be fully engaged, not “missing out” on any potential value that I can add to the situations that I’m engaged in due to my “misfiring” on any front. I want to bring my A game as consistently and as often as I am able, regardless of the externals of any given situation.

I recently had sinus surgery to correct a deviated septum, and it threw me off this intention for a bit and prevented me from being as engaged as I usually am, and that was frustrating for a while. That is, until I thought more about this metaphor. I realized that just because an engine is working properly doesn’t mean that it’s running at full speed all the time. In fact, if you run an engine full-out for very long, it will break down. Everything (natural and man-made) needs the opportunity to recover from exertion or it won’t be able to perform for very long, and that includes humans. So I’m learning to give myself grace when there’s something about me or my situation that prevents me from running at full speed. Instead, I add the value I am able to add in the moment and try not to get hung up on whether what I’m adding is “enough”. All you can do is all you can do, and sometimes that’s not very much.

Conversely, being aware of which “gear” I’m in keeps me aware of my energy output and accountable for adding the value I’m able to add. If I’m only in second or third gear and there’s no external reason why, I can examine what’s going on inside of myself and stop any energy drains, which mostly appear as getting tied up in imagining the future or recollecting the past. It helps me to show up fully here, now instead of time travelling in my mind. Again, grace is a key element in this process, since judgment and condemnation never helped anyone accomplish anything.

Here’s to a year of full engagement, regardless of what gear you’re running in today.

Building Up My Self

I often find myself having harsh emotional reactions to situations that are less than ideal. If everything doesn't go precisely to my plan, I tend to react with some pretty predictable emotional patterns. Here are the patterns I've noticed:

• Denial - Ignoring situation altogether
• Resistance - "I don't want to."
• Rebellion - "I'm not going to."
• Self-Pity - "Why do I have to?"
• Resentment - "I shouldn't have to."
• Procrastination - Delaying engaging situation

I think I recognized a root to these patterns. I think the root here is an exultation of self. It's the core belief that I am "above" or "beyond" whatever I'm going through in one way or another. I think we all know people that have made this posture a lifestyle and they bear the effects of that posture over time. Personally, I can twist in these patterns for hours or even days before setting them down. I'd like to get to a point where I notice these thought patterns and choose not to attach to them. I truly think that's possible.

The first step, of course, is awareness. The next step is seeing that I have a choice and can choose to exult my self or humble my self to my circumstances. If I choose the latter path, I begin to see what the situation has to teach me. It also helps me to simply accept any aspects of the situation I cannot change and puts me in a mode of action to change the aspects I am in charge of. I'm not saying it's fun, but it does transmute the situation into one that is bearable and even fruitful.

The Pain of Awareness

When I began my meditation and prayer practice years ago, and as I continued to hone those skills and build my "presence muscles" through repeated contemplative practices, I always assumed at some level that the awareness I was cultivating would somehow make life all better. Now that I'm a few years into it, my awareness has grown greatly. I am aware of the fact that life is truly a miracle and a gift. I am aware of much more of the beauty and joy that surrounds me than I used to be. I'm actually "here, now" much of the time. It's great. But it's not all roses.
As my awareness has grown, I've also become aware of some destructive mental and emotional habits, of how I hurt others and sabotage myself, and how I react like a toddler when things don't go just my way. It's pretty sobering and humbling. Humiliating, actually. But as my awareness has grown, my ability to detach from these caustic patterns, to see other options, and to actually choose these healthier options in the moment has also grown. Awareness by itself doesn't make things better, it simply exposes the truth of the current reality. That reality is often more painful than we can bear, so we deceive ourselves and fall asleep. Contemplative practices act as a gradual alarm clock, helping us to awaken to whatever is in our lives, and simultaneously build the very "muscles" needed to change it when needed and appreciate it when it doesn't.