The Pain of Awareness

When I began my meditation and prayer practice years ago, and as I continued to hone those skills and build my "presence muscles" through repeated contemplative practices, I always assumed at some level that the awareness I was cultivating would somehow make life all better. Now that I'm a few years into it, my awareness has grown greatly. I am aware of the fact that life is truly a miracle and a gift. I am aware of much more of the beauty and joy that surrounds me than I used to be. I'm actually "here, now" much of the time. It's great. But it's not all roses.
As my awareness has grown, I've also become aware of some destructive mental and emotional habits, of how I hurt others and sabotage myself, and how I react like a toddler when things don't go just my way. It's pretty sobering and humbling. Humiliating, actually. But as my awareness has grown, my ability to detach from these caustic patterns, to see other options, and to actually choose these healthier options in the moment has also grown. Awareness by itself doesn't make things better, it simply exposes the truth of the current reality. That reality is often more painful than we can bear, so we deceive ourselves and fall asleep. Contemplative practices act as a gradual alarm clock, helping us to awaken to whatever is in our lives, and simultaneously build the very "muscles" needed to change it when needed and appreciate it when it doesn't.