Codependency

I used to travel a lot for business, so I was always in airports. One day, I saw what I assume was a mother and daughter, carrying a bag. They weren't each carrying a bag, mind you. They were carrying one bag between them. It was a large duffel bag, with two handles. The mother had one strap and the daughter had another, and they were attempting to walk side by side. This caused the weight of the bag to shift violently back and forth, making it very difficult for them to carry it. As a result, they looked quite comical trying to walk this way down the airport hallway. They had to stop every few steps to rest, and were obviously quite annoyed at one another.

I immediately thought that this was a great illustration of codependency. I think often we get caught up in trying to carry a burden for someone else that they have the ability to carry. Our implicit message in these moments is, "You can't handle this, you must need me to rescue you." We also say to God through our actions, "You are mistaken. My (husband, wife, sister, brother friend) doesn't have what it takes to shoulder this burden. So I need to take over for you here."

Or, we look for help in carrying a burden that is meant for us. Either way, we end up like this mother and daughter - exhausted, frustrated, and not very productive. In this example, either person in the drama could have stopped and volunteered to shoulder the burden, even if it was for a short time. Then the other could have stepped in when the first person was unable to continue.

I can hear you now. "But Art, what about in Galatians 6:2, where it says, 'Carry each other's burdens...'?" I'm glad you asked! To be clear, I'm not talking about when one person has a legitimate need for assistance and communicates that need clearly and openly. I think Paul is talking about buoying or lifting our brothers and sisters up for a short time, not a systemic situation wherein the ownership is abdicated to the helper. And he goes on to say in verse 5, "...for each one should carry his own load." Plus, I think the urge to rescue people when they don't need it is almost always about the person doing the rescuing - about their limitations and comfort. It's just dressed up as "helping" the other person.

Are there situations where you're holding one of those straps in your life? Who is holding the other one? Are there burdens that you need to set down, to allow the rightful owner to shoulder the load? Or are there things that your loved ones are helping you carry that you really are able to carry on your own?

A Metaphor For Personal Growth

Last October, I was in the Bahamas with some friends of mine for a conference called "Soularize", which is characterized as a "learning party". Richard Rohr, Brennan Manning, and NT Wright were also there. Those names may or may not mean anything to you, but suffice it to say it was cool. We had a blast, of course.

On one of our last days there, I was sitting on our hotel room's balcony, looking out at the ocean. On the horizon I could see the lights of a cruise ship. It was apparently anchored, since it didn't appear to be moving. I turned my attention to the palm trees being blown by the wind and the surf. When I looked up a few minutes later, the ship was in a different place on the horizon. Yet if I stared at it, I couldn't see any movement at all.

I think growth is like that. If we constantly examine and measure ourselves, we're going to see very little movement from moment to moment, day to day. We'll appear as that ship - like we're not moving. But if we just turn our attention to doing what we can each day, and take note of where we happen to be on a regular basis, we'll look back and be amazed at the level of growth and transformation that has occurred in our lives. Asian cultures refer to this concept as "chopping wood and carrying water" - doing what we need in each moment and not concerning ourselves with "things too wonderful" for us.

The way I take note is just to write down on a regular basis (not daily, but several times per week) what I'm going through, the questions I'm living in, and what I feel God is showing me about life, about me, and about Him. I've been journaling in this way for nearly eight years, and it's easily the most powerful personal growth tool I have.

Like that ship, we're always moving. We're either moving toward God and toward our true selves, or we're moving away from God and ourselves. Which way are you moving in the various aspects of your life? How do you know?

Open Arms Prayer

I realized recently that it's not possible to give someone anything if their hands are clenched tightly around what they already have. I could be holding a pile of crap, and God could be trying to give me something beyond my wildest dreams, but unless I let go and allow Him to remove that thing I'm holding onto, I won't receive it in my life.

So I wrote down this Open Arms prayer. I have gone back to it several times since I first wrote it, so I thought I would share it here. I hope it finds you well and serves you as it has me. Peace.

Open Arms Prayer

Dear Lord, I open my hands and my arms to you.
I allow you to remove things from my grasp that do not serve you.
I surrender control to you, and pray that you will fill my arms with exactly what's needed to bring me closer to you; be they trials or triumphs, joy or pain.
I accept all that is in my life today as a gift so that I may know you, know that I am in you and that you are in me, and become the person you are calling me to be today.
Amen. Alleluia!

Starting Anew

I had a false start there, in February. Had a couple of pretty interesting posts, I think. But now I'm going to blog in earnest - at least weekly, and I'd like to shoot for more often. I am looking forward to getting the writing practice and sharing my ideas with yall. Let me know if something I have written sparks something in you. I'm always looking to share ideas and have great conversations. Peace.