Self Absorption

I busted myself last week trying desperately to gain a sense of peace by managing my external circumstances instead of managing my internal state. As long as everything was perfectly calm around me, I gave myself permission to be at peace. But as soon as anything went contrary to how I had envisioned it, I allowed it to disturb me.
Once I realized what I was doing, I also realized how silly it was to try to gain peace of mind this way. This approach puts us at the mercy of our circumstances. It is like focusing on the surface of the water and trying to keep it still in order to catch a reflection of the sky. All the while, we can simply raise our eyes heavenward and see the sky directly. There's no need for the surface of the water to be still as a prerequisite.
God doesn't promise a life with no tension or storms, but rather an Eternal Presence in the midst of those difficulties. Just lift your gaze beyond yourself and you will be amazed at the peace and clarity God will provide even in the midst of incredible difficulties.

Essential Connections

A person's quality of life really boils down to relationships. Not only relationships with other people, which are key, but relationships with other things such as our own minds, bodies, emotions, and spirits; relationships with God, nature, food, and money. How do we ensure we have good relationships with these elements in our lives? Each of these relationships needs to be maintained through intentional connections on a regular (daily) basis. There are fundamental practices in which we can engage to ensure healthy connections in our lives. Over the next few entries, I'm going to take some time to expound on some of the most important of these connections in my mind. I promise it won't take months to get through the series! =-]

Sufjan Stevens

I just created a Sufjan Stevens station on www.pandora.com . Just sitting here listening to his music and the likes of Iron & Wine (another perennial favorite), I felt compelled to sing his praises a bit. What is it about his music that elicits such deep, consistent feelings of peace and well being in me? It's nuts. It's a very consistent experience for me. It's an amazing experience, not like listening to music at all. It's actually a whole lot more like worship than anything. My soul nods to the Creator of the Universe, thanks Him for being there and for creating me, and relaxes its grip on the things slipping through its fingers for a moment. When I listen to Sufjan, it's as if all is well in the world. All is rightly ordered, God is in control, and I am safe. And this despite any of the crap I am dealing with in my current life situation.

I am just amazed at people who are so musically talented that they have the ability to draw out this unspoken message from inside other people. I wonder if it's an intentional thing, or merely a side effect of someone in his or her bliss, expressing the deep reality of who they are that speaks to others in such a powerful way? Either way, I don't care. I'll take it as a free gift of this amazing, puzzling, and sometimes maddening life we have here. Thank you, Lord, for Sufjan Stevens.

Cars, Planes, and Rocket Ships

I find myself in an extended season of preparation. I have a tendency to get frustrated because developments in my life aren't happening "quickly enough". But when I think about the difference between taking a trip in a car, a plane, or a rocket ship, my perspective shifts. What the heck to I mean by that? I'm glad you asked!
In order to get a driver's license, you study and practice for a few months. You then are able to cover a lot more ground than you would be able to on your own.
Learning how to be a pilot is a different matter. It takes years of dedication and training before you can be qualified to be a pilot. But once you're trained, you can hop in a plane and travel literally across the world in the time it would take a car to drive halfway across the country. And planes have fewer limitations than cars do. They aren't bound by land, for instance.
Finally, astronauts train THEIR ENTIRE LIVES for one or maybe two missions, but the trip is out of this world.
So, when I consider that I may be in "training" for a rocket ship mission, not just a Sunday drive, that helps calm me and steel my resolve, which helps me continue to learn what I need to learn today, to take today's step, and let the rest of the steps take themselves at the right time.

The Dirty Windshield

I was driving to work the other day and there was a lot of road grime being kicked up from the other cars on the road onto my windshield. It quickly formed a film that made it difficult to see and navigate safely. When I tried to wash the windshield, I found my washers were frozen and weren't able to spray any washer fluid on the windshield. So instead of helping the situation, my attempts at cleaning the windshield actually made it worse.

This reminded me of my prayer life at times. The stressors and difficulties of life sometimes collect on me and make it difficult to see accurately and make prudent and productive decisions. I don't see what's beyond the current situation, but begin to believe that what I'm seeing is actually "reality", not a skewed, impaired view. Prayer is like the washer. When we pray, we're able to reconnect with Reality and allow God to wash us clean of all the leftover emotions and mental and physical effects of stress.

But sometimes, I am not in a place where I can actually connect with God. Trying to pray at times like this is like trying to wash my windshield with frozen washers: I don't actually gain in God's perspective, and sometimes make things worse by coming up with my own solutions to my problems or issues. The best prayer I can say at these times is a prayer to help me stop trying to fix the situation and allow God to work through it in His time and His way. This requires patience and faith, two things which don't come naturally. But often, once I give up trying to fix myself, I find my perspective is expanded (my washers are unfrozen), and God shows up in an unexpected and refreshing way.

Life Begins Here, Now

I was pretty busy on Saturday. We were making preparations for Christmas. I brought up the decorations from the basement, including the outdoor lights which I hang on our home each year. It's no small feat. Including checking the bulbs, placing the hangers on the gutter to planning where I am going to place the lights, and then actually climbing up and down the ladder, it takes a couple of hours all told.
I found myself thinking, "I'll be glad when this is all done." I had to stop myself. Why not be glad now? What was delaying my joy? Wasn't I decorating my house in preparation for Christ's birth, after all? And wasn't the sweat and soreness worth the end result?
My answer to those questions was a shift in my posture to one of gratitude and simple surrender to the moment. It enabled me to be patient, taking a systematic approach to the process. I was met with an unexpected buoyancy in my spirit and a spring in my step. In other words, I actually enjoyed the "drudgery" of the chore, and was able to really begin celebrating Christmas through it.
This started me thinking about all the myriad ways in which I delay joy in my life. "If only I had/was X, THEN I'd be happy" and "When X happens, THEN I'll be happy" are common refrains in my brain. But life isn't something that happens once we get everything set just the way we want it. It's happening all around us, at all times. It's up to us to wake up and be present in the moments of life that are passing us by. It's also about waking up to the incredible treasures and gifts we hold in our hands and are given freely every day. Life truly is a miracle. Perhaps if we accepted each day as a miracle and every moment as an opportunity to live in and spread Light, our joy would emerge from us as naturally as our breath.

Moving Forward

Have you ever left your house without your keys? You walk to the car and realize your keys are in the house. At that point, you need to go back in and get them, or you won’t get very far. Sure, you could just walk, but that tiny little resource (a key) is worth going back in your daily journey to pick up so you can apply it in the proper context (your car) and move down the road at a much greater rate.

I think maybe we’ve placed too much emphasis in this culture on moving forward, continually growing, developing, and evolving. Doubtless that is the intention of the overall arch of our lives – to grow and become more of what God intends for us. But I think backwards movement along the path isn’t necessarily negative. It’s just often painful and difficult, because when I recognize the landscape as being familiar, I take that as a cue to be disappointed, upset, guilty, or angry. But it’s often necessary for us to go back over old ground in our lives to pick up things we didn’t learn the first (or second, or third) time. It’s not a judgment against me or a failure – it’s simply where I am on the journey.

In my mission statement, I wrote that I believe you are always moving forward or moving backward, and to always move forward, I do certain things. But I’m starting to realize that maybe I should cut myself (and others) slack when I see myself moving backward. Perhaps I’m going back to pick up a key I missed the first time.