Codependency

I used to travel a lot for business, so I was always in airports. One day, I saw what I assume was a mother and daughter, carrying a bag. They weren't each carrying a bag, mind you. They were carrying one bag between them. It was a large duffel bag, with two handles. The mother had one strap and the daughter had another, and they were attempting to walk side by side. This caused the weight of the bag to shift violently back and forth, making it very difficult for them to carry it. As a result, they looked quite comical trying to walk this way down the airport hallway. They had to stop every few steps to rest, and were obviously quite annoyed at one another.

I immediately thought that this was a great illustration of codependency. I think often we get caught up in trying to carry a burden for someone else that they have the ability to carry. Our implicit message in these moments is, "You can't handle this, you must need me to rescue you." We also say to God through our actions, "You are mistaken. My (husband, wife, sister, brother friend) doesn't have what it takes to shoulder this burden. So I need to take over for you here."

Or, we look for help in carrying a burden that is meant for us. Either way, we end up like this mother and daughter - exhausted, frustrated, and not very productive. In this example, either person in the drama could have stopped and volunteered to shoulder the burden, even if it was for a short time. Then the other could have stepped in when the first person was unable to continue.

I can hear you now. "But Art, what about in Galatians 6:2, where it says, 'Carry each other's burdens...'?" I'm glad you asked! To be clear, I'm not talking about when one person has a legitimate need for assistance and communicates that need clearly and openly. I think Paul is talking about buoying or lifting our brothers and sisters up for a short time, not a systemic situation wherein the ownership is abdicated to the helper. And he goes on to say in verse 5, "...for each one should carry his own load." Plus, I think the urge to rescue people when they don't need it is almost always about the person doing the rescuing - about their limitations and comfort. It's just dressed up as "helping" the other person.

Are there situations where you're holding one of those straps in your life? Who is holding the other one? Are there burdens that you need to set down, to allow the rightful owner to shoulder the load? Or are there things that your loved ones are helping you carry that you really are able to carry on your own?

A Metaphor For Personal Growth

Last October, I was in the Bahamas with some friends of mine for a conference called "Soularize", which is characterized as a "learning party". Richard Rohr, Brennan Manning, and NT Wright were also there. Those names may or may not mean anything to you, but suffice it to say it was cool. We had a blast, of course.

On one of our last days there, I was sitting on our hotel room's balcony, looking out at the ocean. On the horizon I could see the lights of a cruise ship. It was apparently anchored, since it didn't appear to be moving. I turned my attention to the palm trees being blown by the wind and the surf. When I looked up a few minutes later, the ship was in a different place on the horizon. Yet if I stared at it, I couldn't see any movement at all.

I think growth is like that. If we constantly examine and measure ourselves, we're going to see very little movement from moment to moment, day to day. We'll appear as that ship - like we're not moving. But if we just turn our attention to doing what we can each day, and take note of where we happen to be on a regular basis, we'll look back and be amazed at the level of growth and transformation that has occurred in our lives. Asian cultures refer to this concept as "chopping wood and carrying water" - doing what we need in each moment and not concerning ourselves with "things too wonderful" for us.

The way I take note is just to write down on a regular basis (not daily, but several times per week) what I'm going through, the questions I'm living in, and what I feel God is showing me about life, about me, and about Him. I've been journaling in this way for nearly eight years, and it's easily the most powerful personal growth tool I have.

Like that ship, we're always moving. We're either moving toward God and toward our true selves, or we're moving away from God and ourselves. Which way are you moving in the various aspects of your life? How do you know?

Open Arms Prayer

I realized recently that it's not possible to give someone anything if their hands are clenched tightly around what they already have. I could be holding a pile of crap, and God could be trying to give me something beyond my wildest dreams, but unless I let go and allow Him to remove that thing I'm holding onto, I won't receive it in my life.

So I wrote down this Open Arms prayer. I have gone back to it several times since I first wrote it, so I thought I would share it here. I hope it finds you well and serves you as it has me. Peace.

Open Arms Prayer

Dear Lord, I open my hands and my arms to you.
I allow you to remove things from my grasp that do not serve you.
I surrender control to you, and pray that you will fill my arms with exactly what's needed to bring me closer to you; be they trials or triumphs, joy or pain.
I accept all that is in my life today as a gift so that I may know you, know that I am in you and that you are in me, and become the person you are calling me to be today.
Amen. Alleluia!

Starting Anew

I had a false start there, in February. Had a couple of pretty interesting posts, I think. But now I'm going to blog in earnest - at least weekly, and I'd like to shoot for more often. I am looking forward to getting the writing practice and sharing my ideas with yall. Let me know if something I have written sparks something in you. I'm always looking to share ideas and have great conversations. Peace.

Toleration

We took one of our cars into the shop a few weeks ago. There were some minor, nagging maintenance issues that we had put off for too long. There had been a slow oil leak which leaked onto the manifold, sending a nasty burnt oil smell through the vents when the heater was on. There was also a hissing noise coming from the brakes, which also affected their performance. So we finally bit the bullet and took it in. Three days and over $800 later, it was fixed and returned to us.

My wife and I were both amazed by how different the driving experience was after it was fixed. The hissing was gone, as was the nasty oil smell (not to mention the accompanying guilt of putting off needed repairs!). It was also much safer, since the brakes worked as designed.

It struck me that we tend to do this same thing with our lives - we put up with one minor annoyance, then another, and another, and before you know it, the life we’re living is uncomfortable and inefficient, if not dangerous. It can be so deceptive, since changes seldom happen all at once. Are there things that you are tolerating in your life that you could easily correct? Are there things that only you can do for yourself that you have been putting off for too long? What advice would you give to someone who came to you and said they had been tolerating what you are currently tolerating? What’s one thing you can do to change this today? And tomorrow? How do you prevent them from recurring?

Johnny Cash: Still the Man (in Black)

When I was young, my dad had this giant entertainment cabinet with a turntable and radio. He had a bunch of old country and a few pop standard albums. He still has it, in fact. He and mom would put on a stack of records (Marty Robbins, Andy Williams, Jim Reeves, Up With People) and listen to them all evening. Good stuff. But the one album that captured my nine-year-old imagination more than any was Johnny Cash Live at Folsom Prison. What a record! I would listen to that record over and over, always picking up on a new nuance or sound that I didn't notice before.

I hadn't thought about it for a long time until Walk the Line came out (the fantastic movie starring Joaquin Phoenix as Cash and Reese Witherspoon as June Carter, a role for which she won the Oscar for Best Actress). That movie takes us inside Folsom prison for the recording of the album, and reignited my imagination around the album. I just got around to ordering it last week, and it's even more amazing than I remember. I've basically been listening to it nonstop ever since. It's so raw and real, and Johnny is funny, man. He really knows how to tap into the energy of the audience. Almost all the songs are directly or indirectly related to themes of imprisonment, freedom, crime, punishment--all eternal themes, and ones he knew would strum the heartstrings of the prisoners.One thing that really caught me this time around were the original liner notes (in his own handwriting, no less) from the 1968 release. Here is a link to them: http://maninblack.net/Albums/Record_Folsom.html#Liner%20Notes (click on "Liner Notes")Take a moment to check them out. They are amazing to me.

Johnny is such a classically flawed hero. As he mentions in the liner notes (which is really more of an essay on the American punishment system) , he was behind bars more than once. He also saw firsthand the devastation of addiction to pills and alcohol, an addiction that the Carter family basically saved him from. He turned to Christianity as part of that process, and as a reformed "bad boy", his rhetoric of redemption and grace carried so much more weight than someone who had never seen the bottom of a bottle or the bottom of their souls. Johnny had seen these, and much more. He wasn't innocent. No, he was a living testament to the healing and freeing power of God. And his heartfelt compassion for the prisoners really comes through on the album. He is one of them. He doesn't put himself above the prisoners. He understands that we are all imprisoned, we all deserve punishment, we all need saving and freeing. For the record, God Bless Johnny Cash.

The Tapestry

Life is made up of many elements. As a tapestry is many threads woven together - threads of different color, texture, and length - so life contains many different threads. To tell the truth, there are a lot of threads in my life that I’d rather not be there. I really don’t like pain. I’d rather have no pain or even struggle or difficulty in my life, thank you very much. Sure, I try to be thankful for everything that’s in my life. But it’s hard to be thankful for injuries, disease, pain, and suffering. It’s tempting to say that these things serve no purpose and should be battled, eradicated from life, or that we should always run away from them or ignore them. There are times to take up arms and go to battle, for sure. And there are times to remove yourself from painful situations. But what if all of the unsavory elements in your life do indeed have a purpose? I wonder what would happen if, instead of a knee-jerk, self-preservation response, we simply asked each of these threads to speak to us? What would they have to say? What are they trying to show us about ourselves, or about reality? Are you giving your unwanted threads a chance to speak to you?