I had to share this blog post from my friend and colleague Mattison Grey. It's very compelling and thought-provoking (so the claims about physical strength and accomplishment are hers, not mine, ha). Mattison is actually participating in the Best Coaching Blogs contest sponsored by the School of Coaching Mastery (Julia Stewart's school), so if you like the post as much as I did, please follow the link at the end of the post and vote for the blog, and post a comment to her blog if you are so compelled. Thanks.
Life is painful. There, I said it.
Everyday we have some sort of pain that shows up: emotional, physical, mental, something. Consequently we spend much of our time running from pain. We hire therapists, life and business coaches, or consultants to help us figure out how to get out of pain and stay there. We self medicate with alcohol, food, tobacco, prescription drugs, sometimes even illegal drugs. Coaching alone is over a billion dollar a year business. Add to that what people are spending on therapists, counselors, consultants and doctors and that’s a ton of money spent trying to get out of pain. I can’t say I blame people.
The problem is we are looking in the wrong direction for relief or freedom.
Read the rest of this post here...
http://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/best-coaching-blogs-2010
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Friday, June 25, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
The Pain of Awareness
When I began my meditation and prayer practice years ago, and as I continued to hone those skills and build my "presence muscles" through repeated contemplative practices, I always assumed at some level that the awareness I was cultivating would somehow make life all better. Now that I'm a few years into it, my awareness has grown greatly. I am aware of the fact that life is truly a miracle and a gift. I am aware of much more of the beauty and joy that surrounds me than I used to be. I'm actually "here, now" much of the time. It's great. But it's not all roses.
As my awareness has grown, I've also become aware of some destructive mental and emotional habits, of how I hurt others and sabotage myself, and how I react like a toddler when things don't go just my way. It's pretty sobering and humbling. Humiliating, actually. But as my awareness has grown, my ability to detach from these caustic patterns, to see other options, and to actually choose these healthier options in the moment has also grown. Awareness by itself doesn't make things better, it simply exposes the truth of the current reality. That reality is often more painful than we can bear, so we deceive ourselves and fall asleep. Contemplative practices act as a gradual alarm clock, helping us to awaken to whatever is in our lives, and simultaneously build the very "muscles" needed to change it when needed and appreciate it when it doesn't.
As my awareness has grown, I've also become aware of some destructive mental and emotional habits, of how I hurt others and sabotage myself, and how I react like a toddler when things don't go just my way. It's pretty sobering and humbling. Humiliating, actually. But as my awareness has grown, my ability to detach from these caustic patterns, to see other options, and to actually choose these healthier options in the moment has also grown. Awareness by itself doesn't make things better, it simply exposes the truth of the current reality. That reality is often more painful than we can bear, so we deceive ourselves and fall asleep. Contemplative practices act as a gradual alarm clock, helping us to awaken to whatever is in our lives, and simultaneously build the very "muscles" needed to change it when needed and appreciate it when it doesn't.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Chunky!
I had a really hard day the other day. It wasn't because I had a lot of work to do. In fact, my workload wasn't that overwhelming at all. The problem was I didn't want to anything. My attitude stunk. I ended up talking with friends and procrastinating all morning long. I didn't get a thing accomplished in the morning. But the most incredible thing happened-at lunch, I prayed that God would help me reset my attitude and jump into my work in the afternoon. I was able to let go of the temper tantrum that had gripped me in the morning and actually had a very productive afternoon.
This made me think of how our days are less like a neatly arranged plate of food and more like a bowl of stew. If we're open to it, new emotions, motivations, and interpretations of our experiences will meet us in unexpected ways. But I think God enjoys showing up in the context of real life vs. in a planned church program or other compartmentalized experience. Like a bowl of stew, we may be be surprised by the chunks we eat in a day. We may dine on the spiritual equivalent of vegetables one day, and the next day chewing on chunks of meat (harder to chew, but much more nourishing). But usually, it will be both. It's up to us to really be present to taste our experience and enjoy it if possible.
I tend to want to break life apart and compartmentalize and reduce it so I can have control over it and reduce my spiritual "risk". Unfortunately, life is not compartmentalized and neatly arranged. Life is a mess. Joy, love, happiness, pain, sadness, stress - they are all thrown into the same pot for us to eat. If you feel you have complete understanding of something, it's either not living/inert, a reduction or facsimile of the truth, or you are mistaken. We can apprehend life, but we cannot comprehend it fully. To believe otherwise it to be disillusioned and set up for a painful fall as we are humbled by the Creator and put in our place as His creation.
What things do you reduce and break apart to gain control over? What fear are you dampening through this activity? What blessings are you missing by dwelling on the "chunks" of life that you don't want to "eat"?
This made me think of how our days are less like a neatly arranged plate of food and more like a bowl of stew. If we're open to it, new emotions, motivations, and interpretations of our experiences will meet us in unexpected ways. But I think God enjoys showing up in the context of real life vs. in a planned church program or other compartmentalized experience. Like a bowl of stew, we may be be surprised by the chunks we eat in a day. We may dine on the spiritual equivalent of vegetables one day, and the next day chewing on chunks of meat (harder to chew, but much more nourishing). But usually, it will be both. It's up to us to really be present to taste our experience and enjoy it if possible.
I tend to want to break life apart and compartmentalize and reduce it so I can have control over it and reduce my spiritual "risk". Unfortunately, life is not compartmentalized and neatly arranged. Life is a mess. Joy, love, happiness, pain, sadness, stress - they are all thrown into the same pot for us to eat. If you feel you have complete understanding of something, it's either not living/inert, a reduction or facsimile of the truth, or you are mistaken. We can apprehend life, but we cannot comprehend it fully. To believe otherwise it to be disillusioned and set up for a painful fall as we are humbled by the Creator and put in our place as His creation.
What things do you reduce and break apart to gain control over? What fear are you dampening through this activity? What blessings are you missing by dwelling on the "chunks" of life that you don't want to "eat"?
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Hard Questions
I learned of a tragedy last week that had the potential to shake my faith. A friend of a friend who had been struggling in many areas of life committed suicide by cop a couple of weeks ago. This was disturbing on many levels, since this man was a Christ follower and had prayed with my friend just days before for God's help in his situation. It brought up all kinds of questions for me about just who God is and a lot of "why" questions. If God is in control, how can evil be allowed in this world? Why does crap like this happen? Why do good people die? Where is God's justice in this world? Where is his Spirit, his presence? Where was God when this guy was losing his mind and his life?
These are tricky questions and ones without concrete answers. It's some solace to me that they've been asked of God since biblical times - many Psalms and the book of Job pose these same queries to God. And though I haven't received many solid answers since this happened, I did have a very helpful experience last Monday. I had a short coaching session with an acquaintance in which I was the client. I brought up these tough issues. Turns out, she had been trained as a pastor (coincidence?), and was quite skilled at listening to me "pour out my lament" without judging or trying to provide answers. I learned quite a bit in that session, including:
These are tricky questions and ones without concrete answers. It's some solace to me that they've been asked of God since biblical times - many Psalms and the book of Job pose these same queries to God. And though I haven't received many solid answers since this happened, I did have a very helpful experience last Monday. I had a short coaching session with an acquaintance in which I was the client. I brought up these tough issues. Turns out, she had been trained as a pastor (coincidence?), and was quite skilled at listening to me "pour out my lament" without judging or trying to provide answers. I learned quite a bit in that session, including:
- God does not prevent us from feeling pain as his followers. What he does is infuse the pain with the possibility of his presence.
- We are called to rely on God, not on pat answers or formulas, or on how God has shown up in past situations. There is a part of me that would much rather create an answer sheet based on what I've seen and experienced from God in the past and disengage from living life with God. That is obviously contrary to the life we are called to - a full, eternal life that begins now as we walk with God every day and allow him to stretch and reform us in his image.
- Relying on the gifts God brings into our lives vs. God is also futile. This one is quite tricky, since human nature is always searching for a substitute for God. What better to fill the role than the gifts he provides? Of course, all things that are visible are temporary. Any time we're misaligned and worshiping God's creations, the rug will surely be pulled out from under us.
- In spite of my not knowing, God still acts. I don't have to have all the answers. It's not all up to me. I am a part of God's story, not the other way around.
- All efforts to construct limits for God will be blown apart. I always thought my image of God was always being challenged and broken apart so that a larger image of God could be created. The problem is, any image we create of God in our minds and hearts is inadequate. God is alive and wild. He cannot be caged, boxed in, or understood completely. We must relate to God as a Person, because he is. We're actually called to a relationship.
Even as I type, I know I will need to be continually reminded of these realities, which is part of the reason I'm blogging about them. These aren't the kinds of paradigm shifts one makes in a day or a week. I have gained a lot from asking these questions and realizing that God is here with us in our darkness and pain, even when we can't sense him and when all evidence around us is contrary to that truth. That's where faith comes in - believing something that flies in the face of worldly evidence.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
The Patchwork Quilt
Well, after a very busy July, I'm back on the blogging circuit. I'm looking forward to a return to normalcy, along with some of my normal rhythms and habits.
A friend of mine spoke of life recently as a patchwork quilt. Apparently, when you are quilting, you can't go back and undo an earlier patch in the quilt without tearing apart the whole thing. She said she looks back on life in much the same way - many times, we have episodes ("patches") in our lives that are painful or that seem to have no purpose at the time. However, when we look back on the whole of our lives, they wouldn't be what they are - we wouldn't be what we are - without those patches. And we can't remove them; they are as much an integral part of the whole picture as the joyful and pleasurable parts of life.
This resonated with me so deeply since I tend to want to minimize or ignore those ugly patches in my life. But when I sit and survey my life, it's clear to me that I learned more about myself, about the loved ones in my life, and about God in those painful episodes that I ever have basking in His light. I honestly wish it wasn't this way, but it seems God uses those times when we are most challenged to do His greatest work.
What patches are there in your life that you tend to ignore or minimize? How did God use those patches to teach you about Him and about yourself? If you are in a tough patch now, can you open yourself to the possibility of learning and growing at this time?
A friend of mine spoke of life recently as a patchwork quilt. Apparently, when you are quilting, you can't go back and undo an earlier patch in the quilt without tearing apart the whole thing. She said she looks back on life in much the same way - many times, we have episodes ("patches") in our lives that are painful or that seem to have no purpose at the time. However, when we look back on the whole of our lives, they wouldn't be what they are - we wouldn't be what we are - without those patches. And we can't remove them; they are as much an integral part of the whole picture as the joyful and pleasurable parts of life.
This resonated with me so deeply since I tend to want to minimize or ignore those ugly patches in my life. But when I sit and survey my life, it's clear to me that I learned more about myself, about the loved ones in my life, and about God in those painful episodes that I ever have basking in His light. I honestly wish it wasn't this way, but it seems God uses those times when we are most challenged to do His greatest work.
What patches are there in your life that you tend to ignore or minimize? How did God use those patches to teach you about Him and about yourself? If you are in a tough patch now, can you open yourself to the possibility of learning and growing at this time?
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
The Dentist Chair
I went to the dentist for the first time in a while last week. OK, it has been at least two and maybe three years since I last had a six-month checkup. As a result, it was a very long and quite painful visit. After taking a completely new set of x-rays, the dental hygienist proceeded to scrape, scrape, and scrape some more. Then the dentist came in and diagnosed three cavities. So much for "out of sight, out of mind". I certainly paid the price for ignoring my dental maintenance.
There are many areas like this in life that don't require much energy to maintain. The problem is, that also makes it easier to ignore things we know we should be doing. The result is always the same: pain and expense. If we don't maintain our cars, expensive repairs result. In relationships, it's easy to ignore the little warning signs our partners give out that they are unhappy, only to be confronted with emotions that seem to be "out of the blue" or worse, a "Dear John" letter. The body is another area that will only be ignored so long before it turns up the volume on us in the form of disease or injury.
The traditional Christian response to pain of this sort is that we have sinned and are being punished for our sins. I don't think that is the case here. Rather, the pain and suffering are natural consequences of inaction. It's completely predictable. We have the ability to live in concert with universal truths or against them. But sooner or later, we have to pay the piper. Richard Rohr has said that growth only occurs through great love or great pain. I must admit, like most of us, I usually fall into the latter category before growth occurs in my life.
I know there are other "dentist chairs" that I am avoiding in my life. How about you? What areas do you know you should be paying attention to that you are simply ignoring? What are the natural consequences of continuing to ignore that area? What are some simple steps you can take today to address this area?
There are many areas like this in life that don't require much energy to maintain. The problem is, that also makes it easier to ignore things we know we should be doing. The result is always the same: pain and expense. If we don't maintain our cars, expensive repairs result. In relationships, it's easy to ignore the little warning signs our partners give out that they are unhappy, only to be confronted with emotions that seem to be "out of the blue" or worse, a "Dear John" letter. The body is another area that will only be ignored so long before it turns up the volume on us in the form of disease or injury.
The traditional Christian response to pain of this sort is that we have sinned and are being punished for our sins. I don't think that is the case here. Rather, the pain and suffering are natural consequences of inaction. It's completely predictable. We have the ability to live in concert with universal truths or against them. But sooner or later, we have to pay the piper. Richard Rohr has said that growth only occurs through great love or great pain. I must admit, like most of us, I usually fall into the latter category before growth occurs in my life.
I know there are other "dentist chairs" that I am avoiding in my life. How about you? What areas do you know you should be paying attention to that you are simply ignoring? What are the natural consequences of continuing to ignore that area? What are some simple steps you can take today to address this area?
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Open Arms Prayer
I realized recently that it's not possible to give someone anything if their hands are clenched tightly around what they already have. I could be holding a pile of crap, and God could be trying to give me something beyond my wildest dreams, but unless I let go and allow Him to remove that thing I'm holding onto, I won't receive it in my life.
So I wrote down this Open Arms prayer. I have gone back to it several times since I first wrote it, so I thought I would share it here. I hope it finds you well and serves you as it has me. Peace.
Open Arms Prayer
Dear Lord, I open my hands and my arms to you.
I allow you to remove things from my grasp that do not serve you.
I surrender control to you, and pray that you will fill my arms with exactly what's needed to bring me closer to you; be they trials or triumphs, joy or pain.
I accept all that is in my life today as a gift so that I may know you, know that I am in you and that you are in me, and become the person you are calling me to be today.
Amen. Alleluia!
So I wrote down this Open Arms prayer. I have gone back to it several times since I first wrote it, so I thought I would share it here. I hope it finds you well and serves you as it has me. Peace.
Open Arms Prayer
Dear Lord, I open my hands and my arms to you.
I allow you to remove things from my grasp that do not serve you.
I surrender control to you, and pray that you will fill my arms with exactly what's needed to bring me closer to you; be they trials or triumphs, joy or pain.
I accept all that is in my life today as a gift so that I may know you, know that I am in you and that you are in me, and become the person you are calling me to be today.
Amen. Alleluia!
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